28 with a bullet (Por Graciella)
Never Can Say Goodbye- Jackson 5 (Click to Play)
28 with a bullet
The past shifts, anchor to buoy as the tide rises
Releasing memories lost so long they were thought to be myth
Looking back I now realize your last breath was a gift
It was hard to see it, sentado en el piso de la cocina
World fading to black, I set to work gathering all the 40 year old children
Making arrangements left no time for feeling
Howling till I was hoarse would come later
At a non-existent god on the 59th street bridge
In the middle of a rainstorm no less
Hell of a way to mourn
No longer blame myself for not saving you
It was you that saved me
Taking me in when no one else would
Sharing what little warmth you had in those years of perpetual winter
Held me tight
Your why I love the way women really smell
I hit that cocina linoleum hard
Took you in my arms
Didn’t know CPR but hell if I wasn’t going to learn it on the spot
Still feel the flitter of hope produced when it seemed you’d breathe once more
Ripped me to shreds a moment later
No more
Abuela smells
Sock filtered coffee from the deli across the street
Arroz con salchicha
Catching you watching Benny Hill when you thought we were all asleep
Translating sitcoms
“Chunda’ Storms”
Excursions to the check cashing place followed by the botanica
Buying tampons with food stamps at 11 years old, eclipsing any shame I would ever feel
Teaching me to be sharp with my tongue
Anyone in the bodega who dared speculate as to why you needed them got set straight wit’ the quickness
No more of so many lessons passed on through speech, song, and chancleta
Surfacing so fast I barely have time to catch some before they float away.
Your last breath did not take the warmth with it
A gift to me
Final demonstration of your strength beyond death
For that I’m forever grateful
Wish you could see the man I’ve become
Fearless within 3 feet of you, I now tower above 6
Been places not seen in my wildest imagination
Experienced heartache, made foolish mistakes, looked fear in the eye without blinking
Have been mastered by fear, made to run, run, and run
Risen again, trying once more, owning my fear, making it part of me
It’s taken longer between falling and standing since you’ve gone
I’m sure you expected that
I rise again
On my own two feet
One day your gift will be be given to my sons and daughters
In word and deed (no chancleta!)
They’ll know of strength & sacrifice made by Abuela
How Papi became Papi
I’m more you in becoming more myself
Yet it makes something different
I imagine the pride you’d feel inside if you were to see me
Not perfect but pretty damn good
Yours nonetheless
28 with a bullet